LEAVING DINNER PARTIES

Extricating yourself from a dinner party can be an arduous, multi-step process. Experience, planning, verbal sprightliness and a devious spirit are all arrows you’ll need for your quiver. Read the following carefully, stay vigilant and you’ll be watching TV in your underwear before you know it.

Let’s begin at the beginning. Step 1 involves stealthy nonverbal communication with your significant other. The goal here is to communicate a desire to leave without tipping off your hosts and fellow attendees. Widen your eyes, raise your eyebrows and quickly nod in the general direction of the front door.

You’re now ready to move on to step 2. Begin dropping hints about how much crap you have to do the next day. Have real examples at the ready–you’ll surely be asked. That seed may be planted, but it still needs water to grow. Enter step 3: a sincere yawn followed by a quick apology. If this isn’t artfully executed it will be correctly construed as rude and immediately put you in Dutch with the little lady.

Then you have to eat dessert, step 4. Keep in mind you’re still 45 minutes from starting the car. Here is where I want to see you playfully deflecting board game advances. One effective technique is to inform everyone that "it might be a little much on this particular evening, but next time they're all going down!" You’re doing great.

Which brings us to step 5, where we up the heat. Get aggressive with a firm but friendly "well honey, I think we better call it a night." This must be impeccably timed. Don't make the rookie mistake of thinking you’re out of the woods yet because you’re headed for the buzz saw known as step 6: the inside goodbyes.

Try to do your inside goodbyes as close to the door as possible. There will be more chitchat about how great the food was and vague plans about when you can all get together again. Traditionally, this can be a prickly phase, especially if kids are involved. They can derail everything you’ve worked for up to this point. Suddenly little Timmy could find the inspiration for an impromptu performance. This can be prevented by slipping a small amount of crushed Ambien in his food earlier in the evening. Please note: this highly advanced maneuver must only be performed by men with at least ten years of marriage under their belts.

Welcome to step 7, the front porch goodbye. This usually goes quickly, but stay away from wormhole topics such as work, sports or politics. If the women are close, step 8 means a walk-you-to-your-car goodbye. This can last anywhere from 5 to 16 minutes. After that it’s smooth sailing. Get home, take your pants off and celebrate a lovely evening and another successful evacuation.